Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
