I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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