The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
