paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
