while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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