We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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