We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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