I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
