my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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