oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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