Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
