shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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