He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
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