My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
