i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize