one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
