Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
