im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
