Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
