True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
