I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
