My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
