I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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