Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
