fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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