Soap is not a condiment
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
