I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
