I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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