she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
