So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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