my being single is dangerous.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
