Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
