Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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