I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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