I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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