ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Someone signed my nipple.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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