so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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