I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the day after is always just damage control
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
