I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
