hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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