Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
