she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
