guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize