how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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