Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
