My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
