My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
