I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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