another moral hangover. fuck.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he was CRYING into my vagina
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
