the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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