She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
