new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize