i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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