This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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