Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize