Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize