I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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