I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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