Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
