i need an iv and a liver transplant
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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