I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
