Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
