but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
