Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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