i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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