EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
