did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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