I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
