Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
