I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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