Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
