At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
