I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just found a bag of teeth...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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