On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
