So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Randomize
